So I wrote to a friend, an old friend, someone who has been there as part of my life for decades, who knows my uncle/favourite perp (knew), who has listened to some of my memories, who has heard me cry. And I talked a little bit about how I'm feeling, missing my uncle, wanting to know what he would think of me today, whether or not he liked/likes me, stuff like that. Silly stuff, perhaps, but what I was/am feeling, as I am working through our relationship, including what I lost.

And her response? "I know you sometimes worry a lot about it, though I've never fully understood why you worry about it. I think he liked you more when you were a child as opposed to your adult self."

Any wonder why I feel like I have no emotional support? The only real parent I've ever known, who you acknowledge 'liked [me] more when [I] was a child...' and yet you can't understand why I worry about it?

It is good that there are people who knew me back when, and people who knew him, but can't any single one of them provide any emotional support? Kindness, compassion, understanding. That is what is lacking in my life, has been for a long time.

Is it something that I do, that I bring out the least supportive, helpful side of people? Is it something that I do, that I only look for support from people who can't or at least don't provide it? If so, then where are the others? I'm willing to try. If it isn't about me, then what is it? I can tell myself that it is normal that I want reassurance from my 'parent,' that, since he is gone, I look for that reassurance among people who are a part of my life. I can tell myself (and I do) that there is nothing I can do that would make my uncle stop liking me or loving me, that if he were alive he wouldn't disapprove of me or my life. I can say that forever, but it doesn't provide the warmth and understanding of another person who could give me reassurance, and maybe even tell me from his/her own perspective how he might really feel/act. If he were here.

Which is the problem, really, isn't it? He's not here and I haven't finished grieving the loss, not by a long shot. So from the people who can't understand why I care at all ('he is a perp, you know') to those who can't understand why I am not over it, I have no other options. In my 'real' life.

Which I suppose is why I need this online diary. 'Cause at least here I don't have to face the complete lack of care that has been my life, not head on, not quite so painfully.

I've been so tired of only having people who care about themselves first and best, and who can't be bothered to step out of their comfort zone for someone that they claim to love.

I'm selfish enough to want that, sometimes. Is that too much to ask? So far it has been. I hope that Hashem has something new for me in the future. It isn't impossible, so many other new things have come into my life.

On that hopeful note, my family has sat down to the shabbot meal, and I suppose I should join them. Enough poor me! I have a wonderful family and a wonderful life. Really.