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Not very upbeat (2015-11-21)

Feeling alone and lonely. So it goes. The nightmare that was Thursday is over, and theoretically my van works great. I just don't trust it yet, waiting for the next thing to go wrong.

D3 had a great time, showing the world that a young, pretty, religious girl can be more functional than thou. She moved the wheelchair out of the front of the van, swapping it for the regular drivers' seat. She bolted the regular seat down, while three guys watched her, hopefully gaining some respect along the way. She gets tired (as did I) of people assuming because one is young, female and pretty, one is also incompetent. In the meantime I managed to get myself to a tiny market and shop for chocolate that she said she needed. Tiny market had barely the room for the wheelchair to get around, but the checkout lanes were more than wide enough. Why can't the large supermarkets manage that? I wonder.

I spent today resting, although I accomplished a lot. I didn't get any knitting done, though, which I noticed was a loss at the end of the day. And that is a good thing, 'cause for a while there knitting was just too hard to be soothing. I must be getting better.

I wanted to write to friends, but it hasn't happened, and it is after 1am now, so I should be better off trying to sleep than trying to write letters to people I am not that comfortable with. How did I end up uncomfortable with my friends? I don't know, but part of it is just that I have isolated for so long, and I don't trust them to be understanding. I'm hurting between the ears, and I really don't have anyone who 'gets' it. I'm tired of trying to explain myself, better being alone with me, myself and Hashem than spending more time feeling like there is no 'fit.'

I've been talking with my counsellor about my uncle/my favourite perp, and I'd like to be able to process some of the stuff, but I simply don't have anyone to talk/write to about it. Not at this point. I wonder about what he would think, and whether he would like the person I've become. Which is kind of pointless, if only because he would never stop liking me, of that I am sure. Nice to have that confidence, but I still wish I could just discuss it/him with someone. Who isn't going to say something stupid, or beat me up, or tell me 'he is a perp, you know!' Duh. Like I would have missed that.

But for many years he was the only good thing in my life, perp or no. He cared for me, loved me even. He was someone and something I could count on. Something I haven't had so much of at any part of my life. I am tired of being so f**king alone, and I think that why I am feeling it so much is that I am starting to be a little less alone. It is scary and it kind of highlights how bleak so much of my life was. Full of good things, no doubt, but very much lacking in warmth and companionship.

The Husband is better, but in some ways that also highlights how bad it was. He tells me that he loves me, but when I tell him that he always puts others before his family, he is not there. The body is present, but the mind isn't listening, doesn't want to hear.

He put a sheet of plastic over the hole in my wall, which does keep the room a wee bit warmer. It doesn't fix the fact that there is almost no hot water - we have a solar water heater and on short, cold days like today, it is not anywhere near adequate. We can't install a new hot water heater until they finish the roof of this room. *sigh* We moved in in the beginning of April, at which time they assured us the room would be finished in a month. We didn't believe that. But we never imagined that we would still be living here, camping out, without a hot water heater, or the ability to heat the place, with a huge hole in the wall and rain coming in in sheets, and with no sign of any work being done or likely to be done that will make any real difference. Almost eight months later. Anyway, if I hear 'two weeks' one more time, I may kill the person who says the words.

*sigh*

Enough, I need to get some sleep. Life isn't as bleak as it looks and feels, but it looks and feels awfully bleak right now. Not doing a great job of keeping myself upbeat. So it goes.

time || marches || on