Feeling really frustrated right now. I'm trying to get some sleep. It's almost 3am, and every time I think I might be able to go to sleep, something happens to make it impossible. The latest before now was the hiccoughs. Hiccups? However it is being spelled these days. Now I'm having intermittent ear pain. Not bad, thank goodness, but enough keep me awake and braced until it Does become bad, if it does. I want to sleep!

Now I'm feeling chilled from sitting up so half of me isn't under the down comforter. Fortunately the solution for that is at hand, in the mohair shawl D2 made for me. For every problem there is a solution, I just wish they would all go away for a while and let me sleep. *sigh*

Actually, except for the body not working with a vengeance, things are going rreasonably well at the Zoo. TH is being his new improved self, D3 is trying to get her first job (it's easy for me, but I remember how hard it once was and while her job-hunting is a plus in my life, I know she is not enjoying this). S3 has his date for going in the army. It's a year from now so it's not a frantic trying to get ready, and it's a relief to have him all set. He's got to take one more test for his G.E.D. I am going to push him (a little bit) about getting his drivers license, but really I am done. No more kids in the house who are kids. Not my responsibility to take care of anyone besides myself.

Doesn't mean I stop caring, helping, being there for them. Means it's no longer my job. Such a relief!

I didn't have the faintest clue about being a parent. Some of it came from the body, but most of it I learned the hard way. Almost everything I did reflexively was wrong - coming from the way my mother was with me. I was smart enough to see that just doing the opposite of what she did wasn't going to make for good parenting, but that didn't mean that I knew how to be a good parent.

I read and learned and made a lot of mistakes. I wish the kids hadn't suffered from my inadequacy, but they seem to have come out okay anyway. For the most part.

Now I get to try and figure out what I am meant to do with the rest of my life. I haven't a clue. Something tells me that I've been here before, but there's a lot less riding on it now. I can make mistakes with a lot less angst, there's a lot less riding on whatever I do now. Nothing I do is going to screw up the rest of somebody else's life. Yippee!

I've had to be so careful, for so long, in some ways I don't know how to stop. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing. And if you ever heard some of the things my mother said coming out of my mouth, you'd appreciate that I really did need to be that careful.

Ow, my ear is still hurting intermittently, but the hiccups are gone so I'm going to try going to sleep again. Good night