I am so tired. Yesterday was my mother's birthday, and for some reason it threw me for a tailspin. I don't know why it even came up, why I was thinking about it for days before, why I thought about calling her (!!!), why the day was writ in large, glowing letters. It was. I'm afraid this means something bad happening to me in the future. I stayed in contact with her for far longer than I believe I otherwise would have because I was afraid of consequences. So now I'm scared, and have to work on praying and trusting in Gd, because there is no one else to protect me from her.

It is ridiculous that I still have to worry about it. I am a grown woman, mother of six, grandmother of four, and I still have to worry about what horrible things my mother is capable of.

This is no small thing. When my kids were small she threatened to call D.S.S. and tell them I was molesting my kids. As far as I know she either didn't, or they didn't act on the accusation, but they could have questioned my neighbours without my knowing. It is just too scary. I don't know what, if anything, she could do to me here in Israel, but my oldest daughter is in the U.S., and my four grandkids. And mother hasn't lost any of her venom. So, I'm a bit scared.

I've been trying to write, to post some photos on my wordpress blog, to answer some emails, but I haven't been able to do anything. Some of it is the weather, which has been really awful. I finally have a mazgan (air conditioning/heating unit) installed in my room. This is the first night in I can't remember how long that I can sleep with my door closed. That (having to keep the door open, so I don't cook) has certainly added to my feeling of vulnerability. *sigh*

I can't type much, as my left hand (and right foot) is (are) strongly affected by whatever nerve problems I'm having. My left ear started hurting such that I had to flee into my room from the salon, and even to turn my new mazgan off. I was feeling chilled in this over-the-top muggy heat.

I am enjoying being able to adjust the temperature from my bed with the remote control.

My uncle (mfp) is in my thoughts a lot, too. I don't know what that is about, either. He's dead more than twelve years. Why is he in my thoughts now?

I wish I could talk to the counsellor more than once a week, but I can't afford it. Actually I can't afford anything. My budget is close to 20K₪ above what I can cover, and I can't take the money out of savings to cover it until late in August. I am just trusting that it will work out somehow, since it always has.

We would be fine, but TH was promised to be hired at the place where he works (at present he is merely a contractor) close to half a year ago. And we had to pay for the work on the house whether they paid him or not. So we spent the money, and waited, and prayed. Still waiting, still praying. I tell TH to tell them he is looking elsewhere, but he won't. And it is the perfect job. If they ever hire him. *sigh*

So all the big work on the house is done, with the installation of the mazgan. There is still a huge amount of mostly cosmetic work. We've painted two walls in the salon, with the other two plastered, sanded, and mostly prepped for painting. When that is done, the other walls in the other rooms all have to be done. At some point we have to begin work on the exterior, but that is truly at the bottom of the list. Outside will take some thought, anyway. Since none of the guys will, and I can't, do maintenance, whatever landscaping we do do has to require little or no work afterward. A cactus garden, anyone?

I think my mind is going. I had to re-read some of what I wrote just to know what I was saying. I'd better stop trying to make sense and get some rest. Taking the w/c van to the garage, again, in the hopes that they can fix the gear shift. Again.

So that is tomorrow. I'm having a hard time staying present. In the bad old days that usually meant a new memory was surfacing, I hope it is something that benign.

Thanks for being there. Laterz