Last night was the first time in a long time I actually wanted to write here because I wanted to feel like I was in contact with other human beings. I've not wanted the contact, or I've been having more than enough f2f time to keep me going. It is very hard, this one-handed typing, and the people I used to rely on for comfort and understanding have let me down on this one, one going so far as to tell me it's no big deal. So I'm more than a little upset about that, as well.

I thought I was having (or rather, not having) a grody flashback, and thought that once I let my guard down and let things flow it might surface, but if that is what it was, it didn't. I'm also having some horrible cramps, t he kind I used to have when bleeding, but I don't bleed anymore, so there are just the cramps. Maybe it is just a body-memory? Hard to tell. And I've been at this recovery s**t for so long...

S1, who has been living in an old farm building converted into living space, is saying he is leaving the country again. He says that this time he is leaving and not coming back. I am somewhat conflicted. I don't want him to leave the country and not come back, but he is clearly not happy doing what he has been doing, unfulfilled, and would perhaps be better off going off to see what the world holds for him elsewhere. But I do not want him to leave forever, and I am not sure that he is going to find anything better in the U.S. or in Europe. Besides, he says he wants to get married and have a family, and I suspect that he will have an easier time doing that here. Just an idea.

So I wait and worry and pray. I have his promise he won't leave before February 12, which is when TH is supposed to get his driving privileges back, and D3 no longer needs a licensed driver to sit beside her while driving. Serendipity, that. I don't know what to hope for, besides that Hashem will take good care of him and show him, and us, what is supposed to come from this.

TH gets off the hook from black looks and assorted negative comments when he gets his license back and no longer is such a burden on the family - a burden that he never has acknowledged properly. We have all suffered and gone without as a result of his stupid dui, and the resultant expense and inconvenience. He has no proper appreciation of what he has put us all through. Well, he is an alcoholic... but I would hope that being sober and at least theoretically working on his character defects would bring about some sort of responsible behaviour. I should be so lucky. Ah, well. I don't take the part of an alcoholic co-dependent well.

Sonny/Sunny, the inherited cat, is sleeping next to me. We refer to him as 'the lump' and make disparaging comments about him, but he is very cuddlesome and not much of a bother really.

S1 has brought a new kitten into his home, which was none of my business but now that he is planning on leaving the country it becomes my business - along with his dog, who I guess he is abandoning here finally. I love his dog, but his dog and my dog cannot meet without fighting, often with blood involved. They have not been willing to allow the other to be the 'alpha' female, and it has at times been quite ugly. All sorts of things on my mind, but none of them are happening now, and I need to let it all go for the moment. Hashem is in charge, and things do all work out. Amazingly, they do.

We are taking out a loan, which I hate to do, but we are going to get the electricity taken care of and install a new hot-water heater, not to mention a bathtub, so I suppose it is worth it. I've just paid off about the same amount of debt as will be the monthly payment for the loan, so it works out. The big debt, which was started when we moved to Israel eleven and a half years ago, is amazingly going to be paid off in a couple of years. Three at the most. That is simply incredible to me. I hope we are able to stay out of debt this time.

So in the meantime (since I started typing this) the landlady has been and gone, some workers showed up and put at least one coat of tar on the mamad roof, I had a conversation with S1 which included his saying that he IS coming back... it's been a busy day. It is *being* a busy day.

I got the rest of a box of books catalogued. My handwriting doesn't bear thinking on, or looking at, with the problems I am having with my hand - I am left-handed - but as far as I know I am the only one who will be using the card catalogue anyway.

Now I have a bunch of work to do on the desktop computer, but I can't get there right now. The cat (Kitten) has instead lain down on my legs. I have more books to catalogue and possessions to sort. I am really doing much better today, despite so many increased physical problems. I'm even hoping to go for a walk. A very short walk, it is true, but the best exercise I can manage. Hashem willing.

Got to go, and think about the whole issue of having the electrical service to the house upgraded. It's going to cost money that we have (yeaaa!) as opposed to spending money that we have not. And at the end of it, I will no longer have to choose which appliances we can use, I can turn them all on at once! Or something like that. As things have been I have to choose between cooking, or laundry, or heating the house... no fun.

And things I am grateful for today include: having enough money - it feels like it's been a while; all the cats, despite how they annoy me sometimes; the news that S1 isn't planning on leaving permanently. Now I am much less conflicted.