What I have done to put off starting this... is a lot. It is after 1am, and I could have started writing almost any time the past five hours. But. I guess I wasn't ready.

So, I went to visit RS at the nursing home on Wednesday. S3 had a chance to play in a Magic the Gathering tournament at a kenyone (mall) in Tel Aviv, which started at 5pm, so I thought I would drop him there, then toot up to visit sister with a built-in limit 'cause I had to pick him up and take him home.

In the broadest outlines, that is how it went. It wasn't really a 'toot' though. I have never, to my knowledge, driven in Tel Aviv around 5pm on a weekday. And, after that experience, I trust I will never have to again. I hope, anyway.

We hit stop-and-go bumper-to-bumper traffic before we even got to Tel Aviv. We were a bit late for the MtG tournament, but TH, who was in the car, phoned and made sure that arriving a little late was okay. This is Israel. No problem. ;-) (The only thing I've ever participated in in Israel besides getting an mri, that actually started on time, was a craft night for the ladies on the moshav. Imagine my surprize when we arrived late and we were... late!)

After dropping S3 off - I drove in circles while TH went in with him and saw him settled, there was no reasonable parking - we headed off towards Sheba hospital, which is the site of RS's new home. Almost two hours later... we were finally there, at her room. How much time was spent in stop-and-go traffic, and how much was spent wandering around the hospital grounds asking for directions I can't remember. There was a lot of both.

So, that wasn't excitement enough. My intention, in going to visit RS, was twofold. One reason was to give her the single remaining box of her stuff which she left here I can't even remember how many years ago. She left quite a bit of stuff, including some pieces of furniture, but time and various types of storage problems (mould, bugs) took care of a bunch of it. The last was about six boxes of stuff that mercifully got damaged in the rain, when we still weren't entirely moved in (we still aren't), and her boxes were on the mirpesset (deck) when it came on to rain suddenly and quite fiercely.

After the rain, I phoned her to ask what she wanted done. We salvaged what we could, okay some of what we could, well, we did get rid of a few things that weren't 'ruined' precisely, but in good conscience everything that wasn't saved really needed to go. What was left was one box. Included in the box was a diary that she kept back in 1970-71. I read the diary. I doubt I'll rot in hell, but I am a wee bit conscious that I would ordinarily never have done such a thing.

I am glad I did, because I found out a few things about RS, important things, that I never would have known if I hadn't read it. I found out that at the age of ten she was a normal girl, for all intents and purposes. I got to see her change, over that year-and-a half into what was probably the beginning of her becoming what she is now. I read about some of the things that mother did to her - not incest type of things precisely, but, yes, definitely abuse type of things. I read about when she was molested at school, and how she had no one to talk to about it at all. It was pretty hard. Seriously, finding out that at one time she had been relatively normal as a kid was news to me. I feel bad that I couldn't know or see her as she was then. Before all that other stuff happened.

Which doesn't change the present day situation in the least, and the other reason for going to see her, which was basically to end the relationship.

I really had to. I can't have that in my life, not now. Perhaps never. She was very helpful in saying things that I *knew* weren't true and acting reasonably insane. I told her quite calmly, and quietly but firmly, that I wouldn't be coming back. She argued with me, but I remained calm, and firm. I am not going back. Not in the foreseeable future.

I don't really know how I feel about it. I am sad, and relieved, and kind of at a loss. What are you supposed to feel when the only remaining member of your family of origin has gone so far 'round the twist that you can only distantly make contact while sitting in the same room?

Maybe someday I will be able to sit in the same room with her, and hear her say crazy things, and be able to be unaffected. Maybe I will be able to love her, the person, without being harmed by her insanity. Maybe I will be able to stay disconnected, distant (I can't think of the right word), and just be there without having to hurt - listening to her, seeing what she has become. It isn't pretty.

And it's not someday. It is today. Wednesday I was able to stay detached (I thought of the word!) but I knew it wasn't something I could keep up for very long. I couldn't hug her or anything that would unbalance my precarious position, being present but not letting it get to me. And I have to stay away from her until/unless I am strong enough to deal with it. I am definitely not there yet.

*sigh*

So I'm confused, conflicted, and glad that, for the moment, it is over. And very sad. I am not yet ready to grieve for her, for what and who she could have been, for the relationship we might have had, for my sister who I love but I have to protect myself from. Not quite ready to let go. But I have to, you know?

I also saw S2 for the first time in I don't know how long on Thursday. That was another emotional thing for me, but I think it can and should wait. I don't know where things stand with him because he wouldn't or couldn't talk with me. I am angry with him, very angry. But more of that another time. It is late enough.