It's early morning, and no one else is up. I haven't a burning desire to write, or anything that significant to write about. Perfect! I can just let the fingers go where they want.

The pain/numbness seems to be pretty stable, but from day to day, and sometimes minute to minute it feels like it must be changing - getting better, getting worse. When I just sit and try to figure out the limits of the problem, though, it seems to always cover pretty much the same area. I guess that is good. At least it doesn't seem to be progressive.

I've done a bit of knitting since last I wrote here. Two whole rows on the blanket I am making for myself. It is turning into a multi-year project. Not the worst thing, and it does keep me warm while I am working on it. The thing is, knitting with half a hand missing or painful is not the same experience at all. I was used to knit (long ago) without even looking at what I was doing. I could sit there for an hour or more and just put the stitches on, particularly knitting in the round. Now, not so much. Almost each stitch is a different and somewhat painful experience. Not more painful than typing, but different. So mindless knitting may be a thing of that past, and if that is so, so are the really large projects. I can still knit washcloths, dishcloths, scarves, little lacy things. But a queen-size blanket such as I started for myself three years ago is simply not practical. I may be working on this blanket for a long, long time.

I promised my oldest son a pair of socks, and they are on the needles, but that again may take a long, long time or maybe even never get finished. He is planning on leaving the country, and if I had a chance of finishing them before he left I'd be working on them tirelessly, but as it is I haven't the motivation to push myself on a project I really don't enjoy anyway. I never really liked making socks, even though they are the most practical knitting project that gets the most use, at least in this household.

Someone was here yesterday measuring the hole in my wall. I hope this means that there is some hope of a window showing up some day. It really is cold enough, not to mention all the rain. Camping out in my own house has become old, and I doubt I am going to go camping anywhere at all for a while. It is going to be too sweet if/when I finally have a whole room, I'm not going to want to leave it.

Talking last night with TH, making plans for the coming months. This is not something we've been doing, since all of our plans centred around when the w/c van might show up and all the things that needed doing when it did finally arrive. Add moving house to a house under construction and it hasn't been an easy or fun year, without much chance to make any sort of plans other than those for basic survival. Going to try and make that different now. Going to try.

One thing, if S1 really does leave the country (and I can't help hoping something comes up, but really I have to plan my life as if he is) is we can use his room for storage, and turn the storage container into a small market. Called a makolet here, I can stock the most basic of necessities, a few luxury items, perform a real service to the community that I live in. I will have an opportunity to meet and maybe even chat with my neighbours, maybe make a little money. It is something that I *can* do, which list of things is steadily shrinking. There are virtually no downsides except - if TH gets sent to other countries with his job then I either have to close the business or I'm stuck here. *pout* I can cross that bridge if/when we come to it.

The only place that TH might be sent that I would really hate to miss out on is Manila. The whole family has a sort of love affair with the Philippines, and there is just the chance that the company would relocate the whole family there for a number of months. That would be so very sweet! We would have to figure out what to do with the donkeys, but otherwise the animals could be cared for by neighbours and there isn't anything in the house that can't survive.

Other destinations include Goa, India and St. Louis MO in the U.S. There is something going on in South America, but I don't think it has anything to do with TH's team. And I don't want to spend TOO much time out of the country.

Other plans include a possible trip to Eilat, just because, and visits around the country. I phoned a lot of people and made a lot of tentative plans for the coming weeks. Visiting a friend from the north who is coming south to Rishon L'tzion, it's close enough that I could meet her there for lunch and a short visit. Another friend lives close enough but her house is completely inaccessible, so we have to sit in a nearby park - that could be called on account of weather, though.

My friend and former metapelet (personal care assistant in this instance) is off of work next Wednesday, and I am hoping that she can help me find places to have fun in the area. I haven't had much chance to explore, and I hope I can take advantage of her to learn places to go nearby. Or we can go to the beach. The beaches are pretty deserted this time of year, but that doesn't bother me, who used to swim in Lake Michigan! ;-)

So lots of little plans, some big plans, nothing happening right now, but it gives me something to look forward to and work toward.

I've been feeling awfully lonely, and I am realizing that having the van, visiting people, and having a life is what will make the most difference. People I used to consider friends that I've sort of hung on to because I didn't have anybody else didn't help with the loneliness. It is time to let go of more than just family members, or the past. I need to let go of anything and anyone that has been in my life simply because I didn't seem to have anything or anyone better. Life is too short to spend in making do. Okay, sometimes it is a good choice, but enough is enough. I'm looking for some more wonderful, I've had enough of just barely good enough.

So years ago, many, many years ago, someone said to me that if I don't talk to people who are mean to me, I won't have anyone to talk to. It actually took me a couple of decades to eliminate all of the mean people, in part because I was afraid of that very thing. I hope it will take much less time to fill my life with people who make it wonderful - not so much to cut people out, as to make sure that my life is full of enough wonderful people that I don't end up 'settling' for people who don't add wonderful to my life. Maybe some of the people I've been 'settling' for will turn out to be quite wonderful, I was just so lost in my own garbage I couldn't see it before. Everybody has a chance.

It all happens in Hashem's time, which is really good. I am quite in danger of over-scheduling myself, running hog-wild and ending up in even worse shape. So it is a good thing that things move so slowly here. Whatever happens next, I am going to make sure that there is a lot more fun in my life. No, really. ;-)