Wow! Survived the monster trip yesterday. There were some dicey moments. Not physically dicey, thank goodness. I really lost it at The Husband at one point. I had asked him for directions, and I was following his directions, but it felt wrong, looked wrong, and I said as much - later I really lit into him because instead of reassuring me (which is what I needed, tired and in pain and trusting him against my instincts) he went into full-bore defensive mode.

I mean, I was trusting him against my instincts. Something that has not gone well for me in the past more than once. Because I really believed he could navigate us. And still he has to beat me over the head with it. I could really have used some reassurance. I ended up crying by the time we got to where we were going. I told him then - and I am standing by it - that I don't want to talk to him. Why should I talk to someone who thinks that being right is more important than caring about the feelings of his wife? Especially when I was doing everything that he said, I was acting out the trust. I'm not sure that that is unforgivable, but at the moment that is how I feel.

(On another note) I yelled at him and he phoned the landlady and he talked to her in Hebrew while I yelled in English. She doesn't understand English, I don't have a good enough grasp of Hebrew, and TH doesn't express feelings well, at all. So my feelings came through loud and clear while he tried to get her to listen instead of [her] just explaining why it isn't her fault that I still have no glass in my window, the room gets rain in, and the walls weep water. I want electricity in my room, too, but the window must come first. And if she thinks it is okay to say that I have to wait for the current round of violence to end and Arab workers to be allowed back in the country, she has another think coming.

I'm sitting in my room now. TH tacked up some screen material so that I am not completely invaded by bugs. S3 put up a scarf so that I am screened a little bit from the playground and from the winds. The dust still blows in like I live outside in the Negev. I still have one tiny little night-light that runs on an exterior extension cord (can't use anything else with the rain coming in). I have no air conditioner or heater, can't even use a space-heater with the big hole in my wall. Once I have a window, I have still no power, and once I have power I have to get the mazgan (heater/air conditioning unit) moved to this room. I have a door that I daren't close because there is no way to open it again, and there is a space between S3's room and this one where the rain pours in and the bugs come in and so forth and so on, so that even if we take care of this room, we are still not weather-tight until/unless they actually come and fix this.

And in the meantime, if they (people in Gaza) start lobbing bombs at us again, I have half of a safe room. Somehow the landlady's explanations fall short of taking care of the problems, and I am quite serious about not paying the full rent while my life is like this. We have to talk to a lawyer to find out if we can do that, and we have to quite possibly make an enemy of the landlady by so doing. But we would not have moved in here if we had had any inkling that seven months later with the winter rains started I would still not have a room.

The house is much too small for me to sleep anywhere *but* the unfinished mamad (safe room). I was sharing a room with D3, not ideal but it was working, only now there is not room for me in there with the huge hole in her wall that leads to the mamad - this room. It is hugely unpleasant, to say the least.

Anyway, TH spoke in Hebrew, I yelled in English, and I trust the landlady got the message that this is not an acceptable way to leave us for an indefinite period of time. It wouldn't be good if I was able-bodied. As it is, I can barely function.

Which is what it's been like for far too long. However, I do seem to be at a turning point. Yesterday's was the first outing since I got the car that was mainly for fun. Okay, I spent the whole time driving, while TH and S3 got out at the shuk to buy chicken, at Diezengoff Center to buy me a new computer, and doughnuts (and S3 bought a new book). I did get out of the car at Hetzi Hinam, a supermarket in Holon.

The store was 'officially' closed, but we went in the exit and with me in the wheelchair nobody challenged us. We shopped in record time, picking up Woolite - which we have been scouring the south for with no luck for months - and some snack/lunch foods and soda which I do not need but is good to have in case.

I drink Pepsi, only, and I wish I could stop, but I've been drinking Pepsi since I was a small girl, and it is a necessary comfort food. I haven't been drinking it for comfort lately, not because I haven't needed to comfort, but because of high blood sugar. Not terrifically high, but still...

So other than the slight melt-down and being so very tired coming home, I know I overdid it, it was a fun outing. I needed a fun outing. I need to have some fun, more fun. There has to be fun in my life. We are working on that. I think the new computer will help. ;-)

And I think that having an outing whose only purpose was fun, has made a difference already. I slept better, I woke up better, I feel better. I feel like I have hope for the future, instead of just a grim slogging. Not that I've felt grim; I am still, for the most part, happy. But it has been so very, very hard, and the hard isn't over yet, and well, ... So the slogging is grim even if I am not.

TH did apologize for his lack of emotional support, but I need more than an apology this time. I need to see an actually change in the behaviour. And I am not likely to see a change until I am against the wall emotionally. At which time, he will either have made some kind of change, or he won't. And, the odds aren't good. *sigh*

***

I am actually seeing a shrink! ;-p She hates to be called a shrink. She should get over it. I thought I should make an appointment with her when my middle daughter, D2, told me that she is refusing to see clients who won't work with her therapy dog. I thought she sounded like someone worth meeting.

So I met her, and I met her therapy dog, and it wasn't anything special except - I laughed. I laughed in a counseling session. I actually enjoyed myself. I liked her. I made another appointment. The 'therapy' dog growled at me.

I went to the second appointment. The 'therapy' dog growled at me again. I talked some more. I laughed some more. I figured out that the 'therapy' dog was for *her,* not for me/the client. The therapy dog keeps *her* grounded. I told her some things that most people stop breathing over, and she stood her ground.

I am now seeing her every week. I am to tell her about my favourite perp, as well as just talking about whatever is on my mind. It is scary and fun and funny. Not what you expect from therapy, but this isn't really therapy. There is no one in Israel who really knows me and who I can talk to about simply anything. My one longest-term-friend who has been with me since the beginning of my journey in recovery, back in the States, has had a stroke and can no longer talk. She can listen, of course, but it simply isn't the same sort of relationship any longer.

And I warned the shrink at the very beginning that my mother is a shrink, which makes everything harder. She (the new shrink) doesn't talk like a shrink. I don't know if that is the therapy dog or her, but it makes a huge difference. At some points all shrinks (and I have a wide experience) look/sound alike. So far she has only done it once or twice, and I ignore her. Behavioural conditioning, and it seems to be working. She is actually starting to sound/act like a friend. I don't know if we will ever be friends, but that is what I need. Not someone to remain emotionally distant, but someone who is involved. She likes me and says that I am fascinating. I like her and really would like to know what she is about - but not at the moment. Perhaps someday. Right now this is about getting my needs met, and I am happy to pay her when my needs are getting met. Friends don't pay friends, so maybe, someday, ... but for now she is my shrink. Weird. After all these years.

My hands are starting to hurt a lot (they always hurt now) so I guess I will stop and come back another time. Another quiet morning with no interruptions, if such a thing is possible. With my cat, Kitten, curled up and looking simply adorable, and a bunch of people yammering in Hebrew right outside my window. I did mention that my window faces the playground? It is the sort of noise I don't mind having outside my window.