I've been through too much to even begin to sort it out. Trauma and stress and minor catastrophe. At least I can be grateful that the catastrophes have been only minor ones.

S2 and his wife appear to be permanently out of my life. The last thing my son said to me was -- 'don't call, don't write, don't send messages by any third parties.' So there it is. The heart breaks, but somehow one puts one foot in front of the other and eventually it becomes 'old pain.'

We're being kicked out of our house, but have found someplace to live on the same moshav. A much smaller house, but I am not against downsizing. If only I could downsize the number of children living with me all would be well. Not fair, I don't particularly want to be rid of any more of my children. But ... well it will all work out somehow. In the short term, I will end up sharing a bedroom with my youngest daughter. I hope we don't end up hating each other at the end of it is all.

A friend died last Thursday, and I am left having to deal with some of her effects. One more thing on my already over-full plate, but I'm giving it to Hashem for now, it's all I can do.

No wheelchair van, not for the foreseeable future. Fortunately I can't see very far forward. We have to come up with way much money we haven't got before the dealership will even order the van. Then more money we haven't got for the people who convert it to a wheelchair van. At the end of it all we are supposed to be refunded all but 50K shekel of what we've paid out. We haven't even got the 50K - but what do they care about that?

We are investigating financing options, not that we can afford to be making payments on more debt either. I'd only just gotten our mountain of debt down to a single peak and one foothill. Living on short rations for four years and we would be through it, theoretically. So much for that.

Well, and this has been a miserably cold winter, affecting me pretty badly. As each new shock and trauma appears I have to keep reminding myself that I have ptsd and I am physically disabled, instead of berating myself for not being able to cope better. I don't know why I can't remember that, but I still do it.

S3 became enthusiastic about learning to do laundry with me, and so he and I are now responsible for doing all the laundry. Today, when I am not getting out of bed, the dirty laundry was brought into my room to sort into loads, and S3 is doing all the work. We've been doing it together long enough that I can trust him with this. This is very good and makes me happy. ;-)

My cat Kitten disappeared and gave me a very bad fright. I didn't feel like I could cope with one more bad thing, but, by the grace of Gd she showed up last night about 1am, limping badly but otherwise okay. So if I do actually get out of bed today, it will be for a trip to the vet this evening. There isn't much else that might get me moving, for sure.

Life is hard, but mostly good even with all the really heavy stuff that has happened lately. I don't know if I will be back here on d'land regularly or anything, but it seemed like today was the time to write something. In case anyone was wondering.

We have three donkeys, five chickens, five cats and two dogs. Two sons and one daughter live with me, along with The Husband. In the new house, the landlady's brother will live in a shed next to the house. There is a lool (chicken house) already there and plenty for the donkeys to eat. And a much bigger and better kitchen.

Years ago I ran into a book which was titled: 'It Gets Better, Then It Gets Worse, Then It Gets Real, Then It Gets Different, Then It Gets Real Different.'

Heck of a title, but it's been true for me. Real Different is where I live today. Don't know what I'm doing, or where I'm going, and the challenge is to have some fun and have some loving relationships along the way.

I'm still working on the fun. Getting better at it, btw.